all these lines fall short of what I had in mind
May. 11th, 2010
history keeps repeating itself.
I wonder when I'll decide to stop it, hell, if.
This weather bums me out. i don't want to pull out the coats in May. Unacceptable Ohio.
I need to stop putting things off. They don't go away, they actually just get worse. Silly me.
Things have been better, again. All the downs turn to ups which turn to downs. So is life. The ups would mean nothing without the downs.
Apr. 18th, 2010
of all the things I've learned in life, I'd have to say that my most perfected trait is the art of avoidance.
I thought another day in bed would make the things in my head makes sense somehow, but alas, I just have yet another headache.
Apr. 11th, 2010
I'm losing myself and my grasp. last night was...awful, too much, a bad sign.
and I don't really know how to fix it.
I need perspective.
Apr. 1st, 2010
09:55 pm - 8
it's just about that time again...
Mar. 21st, 2010
03:36 am - suck.
superfail at updating more.
my sleep schedule is all thrown off, just like my priorities.
Feb. 23rd, 2010
In a sort of belated New Year's resolution, I would like to attempt to start writing in here again. Partially because I have always been so fond of being able to go back through the years and read about where I was and I realize that I won't be able to do that with these recent years.
We shall see how this attempt goes.
I think I'm more afraid of analyzing things these days, because when I look back I know that a lot of my problems and disappointments were caused by the fact that I was overanalyzing everything that was happening to me. I needed to learn how to step back and just live. I think I've become a bit more controlled in the sense that now I can feel my self reading too far into things and getting all worked up over nothing and talk myself down.
All that being said, things feel good right now. Temporary, but good. I want to remember that.
Dec. 3rd, 2009
08:57 pm - what's up, back to back updates.
I miss the days when livejournal made me connected to people.
I think that now it just makes me feel further away.
Dec. 2nd, 2009
Oh, hello there, December.
I don't know where the time has gone, I swear I was hanging out in a trashy bar, drinking cheap champagne out of a plastic cup and ringing in '09 just weeks ago. And now I'm balancing holiday parties and looking forward to NYE '10. Insane.
Thanksgiving was spent in an untraditional fashion but was an extremely pleasant day. It was odd not being in Cleveland but at the same time it wasn't odd at all. The holiday weekend brought visitors, nights in, early bedtimes and things to be thankful for. I decorated my tiny little space with a few too many Christmas lights and enjoyed a Mariah Carey song for the first time this year.
The days/weeks ahead are busy and will have their moments of sadness. The holidays can be really tough, and having mom's birthday stuck in the middle is never very helpful. It would be better if my extended family could just move on, as opposed to acting as though things are still the same. I'm learning to let go and hold on (with the appropriate balance) and certainly to move on. It's just necessary.
I have some goals for 2010. I hate saying 'New Year's Resolution' because that sounds more like something I would like to do for a one year period, but these are more things that I would like to achieve and maintain.
I'll be in Cleveland (most likely) from 12/22-12/26. I would very much like to encounter both of you reading this (well, perhaps there are more, if so I would probably like to see you as well!).
Goal number one- post one more time before 2010. (2010 sounds and looks insane and unbelievable).
Nov. 12th, 2009
10:25 pm - it's now or never
The past few weeks have been.... a whirlwind. The good has been oh so good (if not a little blurry) and documented in no less than 400 pictures. The bad has been overwhelming and building up for all too long. I don't know where my head is at, for a few days now things have just felt so off. I'm trying to work on it. To face a lot of things. To work on honesty and to more importantly figure out where I'm doing/where I'm going. Big questions. I'm kind of scared of what the next few weeks may tell me. I guess it was kind of inevitable, if not 7.5 years too late.
The other day while having a conversation with an old friend he pointed out that we had almost the exact same conversation just about 4 years ago. That says something.
I'm not making it up to Cleveland for Thanksgiving, which is sad and different but almost confirming this whole 'adult' thing that's been happening.
I've returned to vague words and ramblings. I need to fill you all in on the gaps. In person, or in the very least on the phone.
Can we look forward to a Christmas reunion?
Oct. 12th, 2009
08:53 pm - burn it down.
'..things seem pretty stable and for some reason all i want to do is shake it all up...jeopardize everything that i've got going for me, i know that sounds like a stupid idea but it just seems as though it would make things so much more exciting.' -circa 2003.
Sounds of fall from years past are filling my ears. By choice and necessity. I'm looking for something, in all the wrong places (journals from 2002-present, mixed CDs from the same range) and I just keep forgetting about the POSSIBILITY of a future. I'm so caught up in something right now, I just can't quite pinpoint it.
I want to see the world through the lens of a camera again. It's much easier to manipulate then. To zoom in, focus on what's important, blur the edges. This big picture stuff is just too much right now, but then again isn't it always? I can't see where I'll be in 7 years because I honestly can't see where I'll be in 7 days (actually, I'll be at the southern theatre listening to Andrew Bird, but I make my point regardless).
'Hey Ashley, we're going through 17 years of your life back here in Cleveland. We would like to try to sell some of it, can you tell us what's most important over the phone? What do you want us to keep? You should see this box of stuff, I know some of it's important'
No thanks. I'd just like the tie-dyed beanie baby bear please.
The walls are still bare and I would really like to do something about that. I just feel like I need to do something different. No offense to 2003-Ashley, but 2 framed pictures and a collection of posters of crappy pop-punk bands just aren't going to cut it in this place that I may actually live in for longer than 11 months (we'll see, settling down isn't my strong point).
I need a road trip, or a plane trip, hell, I'll walk. I need to get out of here (sorry Cleveland, you don't count), just for bit. And visitors. I remember plugging the beauty of Columbus in fall of '04. My feelings stand true, but fall is fleeting in this stupid state so make it here soon.
It sometimes feels like an entirely separate life, which might just be part of growing up, but you look back and somewhere (not sure where) there's this huge disconnect. I feel so far from that person (thank god), no black lights or black paper for melodramatic poetry. No 2-liters of mixed drinks containing peach schnapps (really? what were we thinking?). We've come so far.
I want exposed brick walls and a kitchen where the pots and pans can hang from the ceiling (with a view of an ocean, thanks). I want to drive across the country with absolutely nothing planned out. I want to find (or create!) the country's biggest ball of yarn. I want to back pack through Europe, sleep in hostels, drink cheap wine in France (and Italy, and everywhere else). I want to jump off some giant cliff in Greece. I want to surf in Australia. I want to take thousands of pictures of all of these things and be completely unconcerned with the practical, the logical. I want to believe that these things ARE going to happen.
Oh the optimism.