all these lines fall short of what I had in mind

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Nov. 12th, 2009

Oct. 12th, 2009

08:53 pm - burn it down.

'..things seem pretty stable and for some reason all i want to do is shake it all up...jeopardize everything that i've got going for me, i know that sounds like a stupid idea but it just seems as though it would make things so much more exciting.' -circa 2003.


Sounds of fall from years past are filling my ears. By choice and necessity. I'm looking for something, in all the wrong places (journals from 2002-present, mixed CDs from the same range) and I just keep forgetting about the POSSIBILITY of a future. I'm so caught up in something right now, I just can't quite pinpoint it.

I want to see the world through the lens of a camera again. It's much easier to manipulate then. To zoom in, focus on what's important, blur the edges. This big picture stuff is just too much right now, but then again isn't it always? I can't see where I'll be in 7 years because I honestly can't see where I'll be in 7 days (actually, I'll be at the southern theatre listening to Andrew Bird, but I make my point regardless).

'Hey Ashley, we're going through 17 years of your life back here in Cleveland. We would like to try to sell some of it, can you tell us what's most important over the phone? What do you want us to keep? You should see this box of stuff, I know some of it's important'

No thanks. I'd just like the tie-dyed beanie baby bear please.

The walls are still bare and I would really like to do something about that. I just feel like I need to do something different. No offense to 2003-Ashley, but 2 framed pictures and a collection of posters of crappy pop-punk bands just aren't going to cut it in this place that I may actually live in for longer than 11 months (we'll see, settling down isn't my strong point).

I need a road trip, or a plane trip, hell, I'll walk. I need to get out of here (sorry Cleveland, you don't count), just for bit. And visitors. I remember plugging the beauty of Columbus in fall of '04. My feelings stand true, but fall is fleeting in this stupid state so make it here soon.

It sometimes feels like an entirely separate life, which might just be part of growing up, but you look back and somewhere (not sure where) there's this huge disconnect. I feel so far from that person (thank god), no black lights or black paper for melodramatic poetry. No 2-liters of mixed drinks containing peach schnapps (really? what were we thinking?). We've come so far.

I want exposed brick walls and a kitchen where the pots and pans can hang from the ceiling (with a view of an ocean, thanks). I want to drive across the country with absolutely nothing planned out. I want to find (or create!) the country's biggest ball of yarn. I want to back pack through Europe, sleep in hostels, drink cheap wine in France (and Italy, and everywhere else). I want to jump off some giant cliff in Greece. I want to surf in Australia. I want to take thousands of pictures of all of these things and be completely unconcerned with the practical, the logical. I want to believe that these things ARE going to happen.

Oh the optimism.

Current Mood: excited

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Sep. 21st, 2009

10:06 pm - fall

Livejournal, you are almost 6 years old.

Recent events + this time of year have placed me in an extremely thoughtful place. I've been busy feeling sorry for myself and trying to figure out what it is, exactly, that I plan on doing with my life. Although mostly I've just been watching too many tv shows on DVD.

Something about the smell of fall that takes me to a great place.

My arm is healing. I'm not sure about the rest of me.

I feel optimistic, but unsure. Determined, but slightly unmotivated. In need of a conversation, but unwilling to start it.

I'm looking forward to October.

I wanted to write something much more descriptive.

Current Mood: contemplative

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May. 31st, 2009

06:31 pm

I finally got a tattoo. I've wanted the same thing for so many years now that I was really just assuming it would never happen (despite knowing that I had full control to MAKE it happen), and then suddenly I was doing it. Feels good.

I think about updating all the time but I feel like I never have things to say anymore. Life is just moving and I am moving with it and feeling good about it in the present. I have spent a lot of time these past few months working on myself and my life and I am finally starting to feel like I'm making positive progress. I am also, finally, in the process of acquiring an apartment all my own. No roommates. Just me and my cats (I sound like such a winner, ha). I'm quite excited. I feel like it's a good step towards feeling... established.

The fact that I thought I would be moving to California in a few shorts weeks is a bit saddening, but at the same point, I'm really excited about my life here. I've always had these time lines and end points and barriers that I never wanted to let down or cross, but somehow I've learned that there aren't time lines or end points or given expiration dates on relationships. And sometimes letting down your guars just a little bit can make a place feel so much more like home and that's what has happened I suppose. I've been working at getting more involved and branching out and doing new things and spending time with different people and the experiment seems to be a success. It's still so day by day and I'm not always good at being open and unguarded, but I'm always aware of my actions and reactions which is part of the problem. I think I've done pretty well letting a few people in and that's a start.

So Columbus for probably a few more years. And that doesn't sound so bad.

I do, however, feel really far from probably anyone who's reading this and that makes me a bit sad. Life has felt so PRESENT that I seem to have lost touch with a lot of the past, and I feel like there is never any time! I mean to be better about it, but tend to fail. I'll add that to my list of things I am trying to improve.

So here's an update. a good starting point. Don't think that I'm not thinking about you, because I probably am.

Current Mood: accomplished

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Apr. 2nd, 2009

Feb. 17th, 2009

09:34 pm - I remember it fondly

I have so much to say, I'm sure.

I just don't even know where to begin sometimes. This year has been, different. Things are changing.


So cryptic, I know.

The other day I was planning out this wonderful livejournal update. Alas, I never followed through.

I'm ok with '09.

I would love some visitors/places to visit (on a minimal budget, thanks)

I promise, an update with complete sentences and actual updates will happen soon.

Current Mood: drained

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Nov. 12th, 2008

08:25 am - livejournal, why don't I update more?

I have very little to say about life right now, other than I just don't quite understand it/am having trouble processing it all. I have this big weight on my shoulders right now, I have to find the right words (in the right order) to really get across what I want to, but I am not sure now is the right time (that was not in reference to livejournal).

I think I have always assumed that people just KNEW how much they meant to me, that those closest to me understood that there aren't too many people within those boundaries and that no matter what happens, or where we are in our lives that feeling of appreciation and love is rather unconditional. I should be better at letting people know how much I appreciate them, so I don't have to feel slightly responsible for horrible things.

Lot of time in Cleveland has reminded me of a couple things 1. family, especially sisters, is extremely important to me. 2. the Cleveland area kind of sucks and I will never live there ever again.

What else? I FINALLY put some finishing touches on my bedroom- constructed a bed, hung pictures, bought curtains, etc. and I am feeling much better. I hope to put my creativity to use downstairs, but limited funds/limited time may not allow that.

I am in a super uneasy phase, I feel like every day I keep doing the same things (same job, same city, same routine) I go a little bit more crazy. I've been doing this thing where I try to figure out what the hell I want to do with my life, and although I have yet to make any decisions (or really much progress at all) I am slowly being reminded of what I am passionate about and the things I miss. I feel like I have already lost so much time, I don't know how to pick up an old hobby or further my education. But then I realize how ridiculous that is and think that I just need a bit more confidence to get started.

I'm ready for something new. Yet another friend is moving away and it's making me even more aware of the fact that the future is not really in this city. This is just the transitional place that I always thought it was and I need to do some transitioning myself. I hope I have that guts to do that. I hate to think that I am the kind of person who lacks follow through.

I'm looking forward to the holidays mostly because I am really looking forward to seeing some old and comforting faces. And despite what any past events may show I plan on making great efforts at seeing these people.

One of my little gray girls right is being super cute right now. I should probably eat some breakfast and get moving.

Current Mood: contemplative

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Oct. 21st, 2008

08:07 pm - die..die..dying

The thoughts are there, but they really don't make sense. too contradicting, but all of them seem right.

As is the story of my life, I am having these insane up and down as of late. Ask me at any moment how I feel- about my health, my family, my life, my plans- and you are sure to get a different answer every time. It would be so much easier if there WAS a right answer. Or if I ALWAYS felt ok saying that I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing. I haven't given up on the idea that I just want to get away and start over (I do, however realize that that would not be a practical choice, per se). I just get a little tired of making the same mistakes, and saying the same things, and feeling the same way. I can't shake that feeling that there is so much more out there, and there is in fact, different countries and cultures and lifestyles.

What stemmed this most present rant is the idea of marriage. It baffles my little head how people can feel prepared for that RIGHT now, my peers. People only mildly older (or younger) than me feel confident in making some sort of ever lasting decision when I can't even figure out what my next bedspread is going to look like (actually, I haven't even settled on a bed yet!). Every day I want to live somewhere else, DO something else, work towards something different, and some people are changing their last names and being so happy to have that stability. Why do I suddenly feel so young? I have spent the majority of my life feeling too old for the years that I've been alive and out of nowhere I feel absolutely unprepared to be referred to as an 'adult'.

I bet I could search through the livejournal archives and select a passage from 4 years ago that still applies to me this very moment and that makes me absolutely terrified that I will forever be stuck in this rut, this same mental state, this same unsure place. I was so ready to grow up and move on and instead I've stayed the same and watched everyone around me move forward. I'm still stuck in 2004 and I don't even know why, that wasn't an exceptional time by any means.

As a disclaimer I would like to state that I'm at least a bit more stable and in a good place- a steady and enjoyable job (filled with perks and connections), an adorable house in the right part of town, friends spread throughout the city, state, country, and a good sense of financial planning. I'm just not where I want to be (nor where I thought I would be). It's not sunny and 82 degrees in October, and I'm not doing anything fabulous or glamorous, and I am certainly not making a difference in anyone's life and that is the most disappointing.

It took me years to let go of the idea that I needed someone, and then I firmly believed that I didn't need anyone at all, and now for potentially the first time, I just want someone there. Someone to share everything with, and to move on with, and to grow with and to finally trust. I am nowhere near prepared for marriage or owning a house or committing to grad school or picking out a career, but I'm almost ready to let go. And for me, that's rather significant.

I find comfort knowing that people could read this, but won't necessarily do so. I've been repressing a bit too much lately and it feels good to just type.

L.A. in less than 90 days, maybe I'll find my future home?

Current Mood: hopeful

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Sep. 16th, 2008

Jul. 17th, 2008

11:10 am - swamp coolers and hover crafts

I want so badly to write. I'm sitting here, 8a arizona time, listening to the cicadas (which have become more calming than irritating) and listening to this fabulous music coming from the kitchen and wishing that I knew what it was. there are things I need to do- bake a vegan pound cake, take a nap (despite the fact that it is nearly my 4th day here I don't feel that well adjusted to the time difference. I have no problem staying up late but I wake up early and that equation has left me feeling sleep deprived. Though I really don't expend much energy during the day so it's not an issue I suppose), proceed with my tan building, read another book, take a shower outside, and make a list. I guess that list seems pretty simple to accomplish. I'm just not good with the idea of laziness when laziness is acceptable. I'm much better at it when there are loads of things to accomplish.

I feel like I've left so much of my life out of this. I don't know where the past months have went and I know even less about where the future months are going. I have nowhere to live all too soon and my desire to do something new, great and fabulous is growing with every day. I'm terrified that time is running out in a sense that no one else would understand. I've spent a bit of recent time reading through years past on many levels in many different formats from all perspective and I don't know how I feel about it. My initial reaction was this and I quote (myself): I can't handle this, I do it to myself but I can't handle it.

I'm not longing for those times to be now but I'm wishing that things had changed less or happened differently or that there was something comparable to it right now. I've recently begun to contemplate the glaring differences between teenagers and adults (though I feel vaguely uncomfortable classifying myself as an adult). It's the intensity. Back then, everything was the biggest deal and right now nothing is. Everything seems inconsequential because I have no real future plans or visions.

Enough of that. Present time has been spent taking in the heat. Things are so different here- houses are flatter, grass isn't present, mosquitoes don't exist and cacti line the streets (along with transplanted palm trees). I witnessed all this last year as well, naturally, but I didn't really take it in. It's a whole different culture, obviously, and way of life. I'm enjoying it by doing absolutely nothing in it's presence. Of course we have plans for the days to come- cookouts, talent shows, mexico, mountains (arizona is not flat) and mennonites. (check out that alliteration).

I'm trying not to think about the future or the past while I'm here, though I can't help but imagine myself living somewhere warm soon and sadie and I are constantly talking about Northstar, the Uzshe Crew, etc. I suppose I'm ok with that.

I really need to reconnect.

And recharge.

Coffee, power nap and list making. I hoping something I said was memorable.

Current Location: 1st and hoff

Current Mood: calm

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Jul. 7th, 2008

04:19 pm - 7&7

Despite the fact that I never update, I read religiously.

time is passing, but isn't it always? I've been having trouble trying to find the words to sit here and write, so instead of failing to live up to the expectations I set for myself, I don't say anything at all.

I feel pretty good about where I am in life- not as far as I always thought I would be, but as far or farther than I'm supposed to be. I've got a good sense of self and a clean bedroom.

Cleveland treated me well last week and I am sure that Tucson will do the same next week.

My sister moved and I was forced to look through boxes of stuff that have sat in that garage for 4-5 years. It was intense, to say the least. Memory lane can be a rocky one. I miss a lot of people though, for many different reasons, and I wish they weren't so far or that I even knew where to begin to be close to them again.

I'm going to have endless amounts of time to float around in a pool and read books next week, any suggestions?

Current Mood: accomplished

Current Music: antibalas

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May. 20th, 2008

05:00 pm - so strugg

it's kind of been forever since I have updated this. not sure why slash what I've been doing, but here I am.

I've chose today to update, because I left a lot out of last year and I rarely wrote about times with the uszhe crew, and since this was the first reunion in 9 months, it seems much deserving that I update now.

these sentences would be full of uszhe-isms and lacking true detail and depth of emotions. I'm beyond exhausted in the best way possible. I've done everything and nothing with someone by my side for the past 6 days. there were pictures taken and phrases coined and probably the best part of the entire weekend slash week was that it felt like absolutely no time had passed.

april/beginning of may was a blur of sickness, work, and working out. the past 6 days are a blur of laughter, northstar, cards, drinks and strugg. i hate that I have no euchre or surgeon general playing friends around. I love that people traveled by plane, train and (my) automobile from a variety of distances to attend the festivities.

I have vague dates to look forward to (tucson in july, reunion part 2. here in October, etc). that's nice.

on top of the insane excitement, i have completely lacked the ability to speak due to mystery sickness and i am wore out beyond all belief. tote strugg over here, feeling a little bit ready for bed at 5p. niiiiiiiiiice.

the catersons are sleeping and it's oh so cute. i'll be driving my own car for awhile, no more chauffeur. and the heels will sit back on the top shelf. the end of uszhe crew reunion was bittersweet- i miss those people more than anything and feel less than whole without them, but I'm wore out. i think i shall use the next 5 months to rest up before it happens again.

crazed craziness.

time for a napperson. great success, kerr-strugg. great success.

Current Location: home alone

Current Mood: exhausted

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Apr. 2nd, 2008

10:52 am - april 2nd, 2002

6 years.

our house is for sale. if you google 115 E. 192nd St you can get a link to some images. for anyone who was ever in my kitchen there is this one picture that is so eerily the same.

no one but my family EVER lived in that house the way it was because we put all those additions on. it makes me sick to think of someone else living there.

Current Mood: blank

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Mar. 31st, 2008

04:43 pm - 5,4,3,2,1...

4/23/2007: "I'm busy making mistakes and memories"


t-minus 46ish days.


happy almost april fools. joke's on you.

Current Location: sick-land, blah.

Current Mood: groggy

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Feb. 27th, 2008

Feb. 23rd, 2008

11:59 am - boys in flannels, bitches with 40's

i really just wanted to update so that i could make that my title.

last night was the kind of night that makes you miss nights like that. (except for the battlewounds) i could type a million and one completely random things that would make sense to nearly no one (kind of like when scooby doo talks and not everyone understands) but instead, i won't.


for some reason live feels busy in the future, busy in mostly good ways. i think time will pass quickly, not that time has to pass per se because there is no certain thing i'm looking forward to.

i won't ramble on forever. i'll leave this here for now, and finish up later.

biodegradable coffee bags.

Current Mood: amused

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Feb. 16th, 2008

11:47 am - dance party

i've been having the kind of dreams that make it just a little bit disturbing to wake up because i'm so convinced that i'm experiencing reality. granted, the dreams are quite disturbing in tthemselves and sometimes it's not sad to accept that they aren't real. but sometimes i wake up in weird positions or situations doing things that were commanded to me in a dream and believing them to be real. freaky, to say the least.

that being said, maybe the source of the problem is the limited hours i've been sleeping. i've been more socially active in the past 2 weeks than i've been in probably the past 2 months, it is certainly taking a toll on how i feel, but once the visitors disperse and i get all the visiting out of the way, normal functioning will resume and i'll go back to being sufficiently lazy, i promise.

it has certainly been nice to have that familiar face around, i must admit, it's almost like it never went away. except that things feel mildly different at moments, but overall it's a constant flashback. that certainly helps to make it hard to live life the way i'm supposed to. last night was new. and i'm feeling the affects, but i'm ok with it.

i made a couple dozen brownies on valentine's day and watched lost. that sounds pretty fabulous to me.

one more night of traveling to a new place, and probably doing far crazier things that i expect, but none the less it will be most fabulous because all time spent with parts (maybe all??) of the uszhe crew is.





i need some other familiar faces soon. it's been too long.

Current Mood: tired

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Feb. 6th, 2008

09:47 am - to leave behind

i'm writing a book. you all run the risk of being part of it.



i've realized that i don't deal well with the fall out of life. it takes me so long to get back on my feet and deal with what life WAS while adjusting to what life IS that i really miss out.


i've adjusted/accepted. and i'm pretty content.

Current Mood: okay

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Jan. 12th, 2008

08:50 pm - very becoming, very becoming

mmmmm fresh baked cookies :-)

tonight's experiment was vegan chocolate chunk cookies. it smells like a success. the final product will be paired with a glass of red wine (these glasses are gorgeous and must be used as much as possible) and a movie that i've had from netflix since mid-november.

i doubt that these cookies will stand up to the mini vegan donuts (glazed and chocolate coated- both with sprinkles) but they might come close. I've literally been cooking and baking up a storm- every chance i get. i make almost daily trips to the grocery store and have tried something new in almost every item i've created. i would love to have a few more guinea pigs, so if you are ever in the need for a home cooked meal and tasty dessert (vegan friendly) just drop me a line.

outside of time spent in the kitchen, my time has been spent in too many other places. i'm trying to turn over this new leaf. i wouldn't say that it's just because of the new year, but the timing is convenient.

[side note: just tried the cookie wine combo. wine=good, cookie=even better]

the little gray kittens are playing with a penny on the kitchen floor. even though there is a movie playing and my fingers on the keyboard i feel like that is the only sound i can hear.

anyways. 2007 wrap up and 2008 forecast:

2007 was filled with 50+ hour work weeks from start until the end of summer. January through March marked my last months of college- but the circumstances were so altered ( lacking class schedule, full time job) that i felt like i was already done. those months are kind of a blur because with everything going on i was too busy to breathe and take it all in.

March 17th was graduation day, except that i didn't even go to commencement. the fam came down for a little celebration. rojo was the hot spot for winter '07 grads (at least from the uzshe crew) and that was an evening i'll never forget (probably because i've never been able to remember it)

march through may was amazing. indescribable. i got closer and closer to some of the most amazing people i've ever known, spending almost every waking moment with them. these months are a blur for completely different reasons. but luckily there are hundreds and hundreds of pictures. the week of first goodbye was an emotional roller coaster, so long to the triumverite... but summer was right around the corner.

enter full time job #2. from memorial day until the fourth of july i had not a single day off of work. i certainly didn't allow it to affect my social life. it just took a toll on my physical health. yeah, just a little. july was travel time- AllGood (my first experience with many things- including camping) and Tucson! (mexico as well) and then the end was near...

our trio was down to 2, but my focus was on the prospect of my first official salaried job. i moved to the suburbs (ok, so not really, but it's not campus) and got my act together. UNTIL birthday week. so many reunions and so many up-all-nights. my favorite birthday of all time. of course, that too came to an end AND i fractured my foot. boo!

but fall came and i was officially employed. i quit northstar (which was an amazingly hard decision. and a huge part of me) and became an adult. i didn't quite get to finish up the year without one more sad, sad, goodbye.

by december i was comfortable with who i was. and maybe TOO comfortable with where i was in life. and fully in love with 2007.

i'm definitely glorifying the year and leaving out the parts i hate to admit to. i lost touch with too many people and it was mostly my fault. i'm doing the whole 'no regrets' thing. i made every decision for a reason and i'm sticking to them. the year ended with a bang and a bit of unsurity about way i stand with too many people.

if i had to forecast '08- this is what i see (and/or hope for):
-dedication to veganism. that's important to me and something i'm in control of.
-more responsibility and focus on resume building at work, and hopefuly a raise come fall. this isn't a lifetime job, but it will help me go places and pay the bills for the time being.
-uszhe crew reunions, as often as possible, which may only be every few months.
- reconnecting. but i can only try so hard, other people have to try as well.
-going back to school and maybe even picking out a graduate program.
-traveling as much as possible. i have so many places to see!
-establishing a solid savings account.
-continuing to cook and bake as much as possible. it's probably my favorite thing to do.
-figure out a bit more about where i'm going.
-doing something meaningful.

i don't want to keep making this list. i'm hoping for too many things and thinking too far, too big picture, i want this to be day by day. i'm just hoping for the best.

all right, well the movie i've waited 2 months to see is underway and looks good. i may even come back hear later.

happy belated new year.
let's keep in touch.

Current Location: couch.

Current Mood: distracted

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Jan. 1st, 2008

10:21 pm - 6 shots of espresso

i haven't been historically good at the year end wrap up. i plan on having one soon. but today, this is what i would like to say:
2007 was one of the best years of my entire life. i met some of my favorite people/best friends. i had awesome experiences and felt as though i was actually 21, 22.

2007 ended on a high note. 12/30 was an AMAZING and MUCH NEEDED reunion. it involved northstar for dinner, no less than 40 beers, 4+ hours of euchre, 2+ hours of who knows what, and a lovely (non)sleepover, just like it used to be. (minus one bestie).

then there was the LOVELY morning after, which quickly became the afternoon after. a speedy (less than 2 hours) drive home and a relaxing new years eve complete with cranium.

i'm processing '07 and enjoying the comfort of my own home, at the moment. finalizing the new years resolutions and aiming for optimism in '08.

and missing my best friends.

relaxation for a little bit more, and sleep so soon.

Current Location: home sweet home

Current Mood: exhausted

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